11/21/2016

My Brain is Tired and My Eyes are Purple

There you go.

I wanted to write something and didn't know what else to write about. Usually my topics on this thing are a bit more thought provoking than that, because if you compress the idea of the titular statement, you arrive at the equivalent statement of "I'm tired". That isn't even an interesting Twitter post. Hopefully I can spin it in a way that is interesting.

This is not a blog post making excuses for my lack of public content over the past two and a half months, because I don't really have any concrete ones that make universal sense. For example, if I had a dying parent, nobody would be like "fuck you, make videos" or "everyone has dying parents, make a damn music!" That's what I consider "universal sense". Saying "I'm juggling a bunch of stuff because of the whole starving artist concept", not everyone has empathy or even a valid opinion on that.

The main things I wanted to get done to close out 2016 were:

Best of GHG on Randomrings Channel - Finishing the Darksiders one, because that's the last one
--- Actually, I am almost done with this, I'm just debating putting a special thank you at the end or not. See, I'm so paranoid about wasting people's time and making them angry that I don't know whether or not sincerity and gratitude are worth putting in a video about action-RPG's and racism. But I planned on releasing it like a weekend or two ago, and just haven't. Jesus.

Randomrings Reviews Season 2: Episodes 5-10
--- Five out of the six scripts are done now, but here's the thing: without the scripts read, I can't even come close to finishing the review. Fortunately, half of them are close to done, but the other three have a long way to go. Why? Because I went way too overzealous considering my current living situation and plans. So they just aren't done. I will probably release at least one review (probably three or so) before Christmas, but the original plan was to release all of them by Christmas. I feel bad about this, but not as bad as I thought I would. It shows I do care about the videos, otherwise I would lazily throw something together and shell it out. They are done when they are done.

New Lexi Karma album in 2017
--- By this point in the year, I wanted to have all seven songs in Pro Tools, meaning all seven songs in some form of the mixing phase (ergo, I'm done writing the instruments). Success! So I really shouldn't be beating myself up. I've worked really hard and almost non-stop since Spring 2015, and still tell myself I'm lazy and not good enough to exist or call myself an artist. Holy shit. I just had that epiphany while typing this. Well aside from that, I am very proud of the new songs, and I think, since it won't be as big of a project as "Self Titled" was, it is very realistic that they will come out some time between Summer and Winter of 2017. A lot more avant-garde, sci-fi influence went into this album than the last one. I'm excited to see how people respond to it, as well as just getting it out in general excites me. Self Titled was partially me proving to myself that I could do this, so the new album is more pure art, if that makes any sense. There is less of an angsty statement being made with this new project.

Save up a certain amount of money towards moving out
--- Moving from kind-of-Eastern-USA to the west coast is expensive, but I'm doing it. So far, I'm pretty on par. But I had to work my ass off for the money I have now, and I'm not even 2nd tax bracket or anything. I'm still making enough to eat ramen.

So that's what I've been doing. I wrote this because while trying to work on something tonight, I started dozing off involuntarily around 10pm, which doesn't happen. Ever. Recently I sent a friend a goofy picture of me, in which I realized how purple my eyes are. The bags under my eyes are that of a Disney villain, or a receptionist that has worked at the same desk for over thirty years. Is that a good analogy? I'm not 50, I'm not even 25. How is this already a thing? And why don't I realize that I have physical limits and shouldn't have to work myself into a coma to realize I'm doing everything on my own and need to focus in but slow down.

My brain is so tired, but desperate. It should slow down, but it wants to grab everything it can because it doesn't think it's worth existing unless it can get everything out somehow. But that's impossible. There's too much going on in there.

So that's what's up with me. People forget how much creators, especially ones who create for free, really toil over stuff, only to make expectations, by accident or intentionally, and then let people down, which lets themselves down even more. Then they make a huge run-on sentence. At the end of this, I'm not going to sleep. I'm going to still work on something before bed, because if I try to just relax like a normal person, my self-hatred steps in and puts this pit in my stomach that makes me actually want to die. That's usually just my sense of humor, but that's something that actually happens. Someone envisions themselves playing a video game for seven straight hours on a weekend and goes "yay, fun, that is a chill-ass day that I'm excited for!" I see myself doing that and go "no, you worthless maggot, if you don't work on something every single goddamn day then you are nothing!" That's pretty cool right? Nope. I guess it's not.

Don't worry. Stuff is still coming. But I need to focus on what I want to do, even if it is multiple things. Right now it's like Randomrings Reviews, moving out, a bajillion Lexi Karma ideas, writing stories and like... screenwriting?... Randomrings Reviews Season 3 kinda sorta, holiday shopping, part-time job, re-acquainting myself with drawing, and I try to relax with Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep, but it's only temporary. I need to narrow that down to just current season of Randomrings Reviews, current Lexi Karma album, holiday shopping, part-time job, and drawing. That's only five things!

How do I even end this?
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I blame my current level of stress on Netflix dropping Farscape. I left off on a huge cliff-hanger in the middle of Season 3 after being heavily invested in the series for about a month and a half. Now it's just gone! GONE!!! MY LIFE IS GONE!!!!!!! MY SCI-FI LIFE IS GONE!!!!

...Alright, well thanks. More to come, so stick around with me. You're the best. Yes, you.

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