Did I Do My New Year's Resolutions?

I don't think I did. I did a very bad job of keeping up with my new year's resolutions. I did an old blog post on things that I planned on doing or changing or throwing out, etc. I feel pretty fucking unaccomplished. Why post this publicly? Well, let's keep going and find out the reason why as we go because despite what it may look like, I don't think too far ahead when I post on this blog. What's that? You said you assumed that already? Good eye... dick.

This was the general idea and even that didn't happen. I had a huge crippling depression spell from early August to about mid-October. I'm not saying that my overwhelming sorrow was not justified or an excuse to be a pussy, but it happened. There were full weeks where I barely got anything done, even though I was sleeping 2.5-5.5 hours every night for almost two whole months. Yeah, trust me, it was bad.

Nope. I haven't written a whole lot of anything since the summer. I have been making some pretty decent strides in mixing my current Lexi Karma project I think. I've been experimenting with audio post-production sort of stuff and learning along the way through both triumph and mistake. It's strange: when it comes to mixing right now, I am currently the most insecure I have ever been about my ability to mix audio than I have ever felt in my life, but I also don't feel like beating myself up about it too hard. Maybe a little, but not a noticeable amount.

I'm in the mixing phase of this, so this pretty much just adds on to what I just said above. I'm working on it more often than I was, but it's still not done. It still just doesn't sound where I want it to be, but it's actually pretty close.

Selected? No. But I have been working on two big ideas and a couple of other songs on the side of those. So I'm sure I will come up with something. Will it come out by December 2018? We'll see. That would be nice though.

I still don't feel good enough. Specifically, I think I suck really bad at perspective. I can only draw like 8 directions for characters to face in. What is this, Family Guy? Anyone? Nah? Alright.

Still writing. I'm writing something else that I started recently that I'm pretty damn proud of so far in very early stages. I might do that first just to get out there and get some good practice in. Mistakes made through that will make my main passion of a story execute much more smoothly. Or at least that's the theory.

I haven't made a new video (except for one podcast) since April. Fucking April. I'm working on it bit by bit and with what I set up in this next big video will make future videos easier. At the same time, uggggghhhhh!!! Sometimes I fucking hate doing this shit, but I'm getting better at it and it challenges me to get better at the things it involves. One time I tried to quit Randomrings and I was more miserable for it. I have to keep it around, at least for this major phase of my life. Maybe longer? I like that it is a goofy little portfolio that grows from cringey horse-shit to ... something better than that.

Well again, I haven't uploaded anything but a podcast since April so yeah, I hope it's not my damn job or I'm going to be homeless two months ago.

I did move out, but (as I stated and vaguely explained in a previous blog post) I didn't move to where I necessarily wanted. I live with people I trust, but damn. Every day is a reminder of how gullible I can be. It sounds sad but this is necessary for this phase of life to remember never to let anyone get that deep into my mind again, especially when a huge life-changing plan is potentially set in place.

Not really. I have learned this year that there is a large group of people in my life that just generally hate me. That doesn't really bother me that much except a lot of them are friends of friends. In other words, I have a small group of specific friends (a few of which I live with) that have friends who all instantly assume I'm a monster. I'm able to block them out, it doesn't matter, but it does mean something. These certain people are what many of you creative people or at least game dweebs like me might call "normal" or more for the time period that this is being written in "basic". These are the kind of people that think I'm an insufferable, pessimistic, overwhelming, negative asshole. A lot of people like these people exist. So logic suggests that this control group of people have hatred for me and they are basic for lack of a better term, therefore if Basic (with hatred for me) = Majority, then Majority = people who are never going to see me as anything other than a prick. I have also realized to this effect that I don't really drink so most public places in America where you meet new people are not accepting of me in that regard either. My chances of meeting new people who appreciate me or just having a good time without having to worry about being singled out are pretty damn slim based on studying and calculating recent events and the past few years of patterns found in specific people I know. I tried, I went to places, but over time it was rendered pointless and I still never feel comfortable no matter where I am, even by myself, but now I at least realize that this isn't my fault. So despite how negative and terrible all that sounds, I think it's actually pretty positive. Being an optimistic person is fine and all, but if you don't acknowledge the negative or see what you can gain from negativity then you are just being ignorant. Realizing negativity is in your life and pointing it out doesn't make you a pessimist. Being negative for no reason or asserting your own pain onto others to feel better about yourself is a bit more pessimistic and something that I myself don't do. Realizing that negative things are happening in my life and people are blaming me for it but then further noticing that I am not actually doing anything to hurt anyone (in most cases, quite the opposite) then I see optimism, health, or at least I see something objective and neutral. Ooops. That was too long, wasn't it?

I completely dropped the ball. I have been way too depressed and then afterward busy to keep trying this. Right now I'm too insecure for this sort of thing anyway. I'm sure it will pass, but for now, I just can't bring myself to it. Also, there are just other things I want to focus on. I need to narrow my focuses.

2017 was probably the worst year of my entire life so far. Not just in productivity, but in mental health, diet, exercise regimen, romance, friendships, trust, self-esteem; you name it, it probably got knocked down a few pegs this year. But I went back to school, I'm living in a new place where I have fewer restrictions on what I can do and when I can do it. All in all, I think it is the start of a lot of new things, I just have to be more careful in 2018.

So the point here is that satisfying every single goal you set for yourself as a new year's resolution is not the purpose of new year's resolutions at all. What you learn on the road of trying to attain said goals is what's important to actually accomplish the goals you want to accomplish and seeking out the things you want in life.

Time for me to go make some more mistakes then. You too. Go have fun with doing that.

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