I gave myself an actual week off. No job (I got paid to not be there), no school (scheduled week off), and no fatal injuries to constitute this. I am mostly just putting this here to document this since I never give myself any time off like this, or at least not in great strides. I have not had an actual week with little-to-no responsibilities since roughly 2014, I want to say. I know it has been at least since 2015. That is four whole fucking years of putting up with bullshit and just stomaching it. I know many have been through worse for longer. I've been through a fucking lot in that time though. Rough hours being spread between education and income, physical injury, emotional manipulation, kind of sexual manipulation a little bit, monetary manipulation from both employers and people I once considered friends, career shifting, loss of even more friends, and family disputes. I wrecked my car and walked away with incredibly minor injuries. That was a thing that actually happened. I released a full-length album. It was a commercial flop but I wasn't really expecting any form of monetary success. So once I had the opportunity to take a week off with no real monetary consequence, you know I took that shit and planned it out in advance. The problem was that I was so busy, burned out, and depressed that I had only planned the week off. I did not make too many efforts into planning what I would actually do.
So for my own personal health (maybe?) and to spread this message of self-care, I am going to talk about the positive stuff I did, no matter how minor. I am usually not one to talk about taking care of yourself because I don't do it. I'm good at physically and mentally pushing myself and when something emotionally crushing comes up, I either push myself into burnout or just completely cave while still trying to push myself. Then I get pissed that I can't push myself hard enough to solve the entire world's problems in one day or some shit. It's dumb. So here. For once, I can be like "hey, be like me because sometimes you need to just do this".
I played a fuckload of Persona 5. I still haven't beaten it. Remember when I used to review video games? Persona 5 is probably one of the best RPG's to come from this decade. It's at least one of the best turn-based ones. I would argue that, as a complete product, it is one of the best that I have ever played. I am over 110 hours in, still not done with the main story, and I'm not even mad about it. I am mad that getting a game over, no matter how stupid the reason is, makes you start pretty fucking far back most of the time. That shit is infuriating. Persona 5 loves making you redo 20 minutes of shit over and over again because an enemy happened to insta-kill the main character. Yep. It's one of those games too. For everything this game does right, that is the crippling flaw for me. The rule that your main character dying constitutes an immediate game over is bullshit. Despite that, I had more fun in the virtual world of Persona 5 than I did in my real life over the past month by a long shot. The turn-based combat is done well enough on its own and there are plot-relevant life simulation things to do throughout the game that actually matter. Even if a certain sequence of events is really dumb and goofy, it has a purpose. Other than starting over after a bullshit death, nothing in the game is a waste of time unless you waste time. You can only do so many things in each calendar day and there is usually a set amount of days to do a certain chapter's primary task. You can choose to knock out that mission as soon as possible to do more social shit and social stat-boosting shit before the next big story event, or you can do a bunch of shit in the "real world" to get ready to slaughter the mission with ease. There is plenty of room to go in-between and it gets easier to balance once you get more accustomed to what you can and can't do each day. There is stuff you can buy that boosts stats or helps you in combat. Getting closer to other characters in the game is a task in itself but getting closer to them gives you other gameplay benefits. It is the coolest shit. Sorry, I basically just reviewed Persona 5. I still haven't beaten it. I think I'm really close to the end but I keep getting bullshit deaths. That's not me being a baby. I keep having to start over because of the Mudoon spell. Almost every death I have had in this chapter has been because of that. Anyway.
I had one or two milkshakes. I really like milkshakes.
I caught up with a friend I haven't talked to or hung out with too much. Actually make that two, technically.
I hung out with a really close friend for a little bit.
I hung out with another close friend online just playing Overwatch.
I tested out a bunch of games on the monitor I recently got. It can do 4k but when it comes to games, my graphics card doesn't really like the idea. For Honor looks like shit on my PC. I got A Hat in Time to look decent and run pretty consistently. Sonic Mania runs perfectly somehow. Hollow Knight runs surprisingly well in 4k if I turn off a lot of shadow effects and stuff. I can get Overwatch to run good enough in a lower resolution.
I watched Death Note for the second time. I watched the series in 2017 at some point, then read the manga. I watched the anime again in a few days. I still love it but I really like the way the story is handled in the manga more, if only for the ending. The ending is a lot different, for those who don't know.
I watched some cartoons like Invader Zim and Gumball.
I ate at a fancy restaurant and had a little thing of cake in a glass. I don't know what's up with that but fuck it, it tasted great.
I got a really good deal on some pants. That's a way more boring one but I spent less than $90 I think and got a quality belt and two pairs of decent jeans.
I worked on Lexi Karma, my music stuff. I have not worked on the mix in a while. I made some really decent headway on this shit and I hope I will have more time before the year ends to feel more confident in where it is. I also want to re-record the vocals but living in an apartment has made that a difficult task so far.
I looked into therapists last night. I have not pulled the trigger enough to even call any of them yet. I'm not sure if my new insurance covers enough for me to actually be able to afford it. We'll see.
I started looking at hair stuff on Pinterest, tried a lot of food with natural ingredients (a lot of organic stuff), and I bought a Waterpik. That thing is a strange experience by the way. I can't believe I didn't make myself vomit. That thing doesn't gently spray enough water to feel pressure like what the dentists use on you in a normal cleaning. On the low setting, that thing hurts if it hits the back of your throat. It's unreal but I don't regret anything so far. I moved into a new place this month and I finally go around to unpacking the majority of my shit and setting up stuff. All of my game consoles and stuff are now hooked up and for the most part, I'm satisfied. This is just some of the more boring stuff put into one paragraph. I splurged a bit on food and whatnot but fuck it. I only get one week off and I technically have the money for now to do it.
I wrote down some notes for stuff I have been writing for a while. Just some story details to mull over. I was excited about that. My school makes me write a lot of stupid bullshit I don't want to write. When I have had time to write for myself recently, I'm paralyzed. This week, I slowly started coming back out of that paralysis.
Persona 5, milkshakes, friends, overly expensive food, tweaking monitor stuff, Death Note, Invader Zim, Gumball, shopping in a public space, music, potential professional help on the horizon, and writing for a little bit.
There were negative points too but focusing on that right now is pointless. This is partially because the positives really do outweigh it. So, in summary, don't beat yourself up for so fucking long. I stress myself out a lot. Then what do you do when unforeseen life events come to stress you out more. Taking actual time off is not career suicide. It isn't weak. Professionals would probably argue that it's necessary. In my case it was. I still don't feel perfect. That's how fucking bad I've been. It wasn't in full perspective until I took more time to not worry about so much stuff at once. Even then, I worried about a ton of stuff, just to a much lesser degree. Tomorrow, I'm back at it. Good luck to anyone reading this. Do something actually good for yourself. Right now. Cheat on the system. Life's too short to grind yourself down that much.
