Hey, gang! It's me! Ayden! I am fucking depressed! But like... more than usual!
I'm not going to vent here. Well. Basically no? Fuck it. My blog. Welcome to a kitchen of sulk.
Skip the first two paragraphs if you don't care why I'm a little baby uhteeheeheeeeee!
If you're thinking "pussy! So many things are going on in the world right now and you're worried about YOURSELF!!!" Whatever you're thinking of right now, I'm either unaware of it or also pretty distraught with that topic. In case I don't delete this later, we still have almost every problem that was a thing in like 2015, a lot of problems since way before then, anti-trans legislation where people are literally allowed to witch hunt trans children in Texas, cops running amok doing their cop things but more obvious, Disney's CEO being a pussy while still being a CEO, and Russia murdering a lot of innocent people. Oh. Also, COVID-19 is still a thing and I wear a mask to my heavily-populated job every day while everyone else doesn't. So yeah. No. Whatever you're trying to jam down my throat, I've already started swallowing. Thanks, though. (Why am I getting so defensive over an exaggerated hypothetical?)
So what's my problem? :p
I won't tell you! But things have been leading to massive depression spikes leading to me occasionally sobbing like a Sobble. See, I made it cute so it's more tolerable to hear about! A lot of it has been just building up for a long time, I have recently realized. In various friend circles I have been in, with my relatives before I ditched them, and in other situations that my brain is too tired to think of right now, I have always been one of the people or the only person to take all the damage and stomach it. In grave and grim situations, I can keep a stoic disposition or silliness for others to cling to. I think sometimes when you're freaking out, just having one other person with you who isn't freaking out is nice. I pride myself on being that fucker and seeing what else I can do to help from that point. I have kind of tried to be doing that with all the bullshit I mentioned in the last paragraph. Sometimes I will go on a mad rant about it to my friends but beyond that, I've been able to keep the rage dick in my pants. Then over time, I was like "fuck, do I not care anymore? What's wrong with me?" Then I realized "oh no, I still care, I'm just fucking exhausted". I have lost a lot of self-love for myself because I just wasn't telling anyone about it so much so that I didn't even realize it myself. I am now trying to gain a lot of that back. Oh, also I have gender dysphoria! So I had that on top of all the things I already mentioned. Some personal issues have arisen that would have been pretty surmountable bummers had I not had all these other circumstances on my back. All that and everyone calling me "bro" is like so fucking cool! I'm getting angry typing this! Yay! So that's why I haven't streamed this month at all and when I come back, I'm going to say fuck schedules.
That's right! For now, I'm just not going to use a stream schedule. It's the number one tip for new streamers, right? Set up and stick to a stream schedule. Yeah? I still have low as fuck numbers after over a year of doing this! So I'm just going to do whatever I want whenever I want. I will play Bastion soon on stream so we can all do that! I also have this idea for a screenwriting stream that I was going to start doing weeks ago. Whoopsies! The idea is that I use this AI that writes a prompt for you based on phrases you put in. So I get two random phrases from the internet and put them in the AI, then write a script based on that with the hopes to continue that story in another stream. Cool? I thought so. I also don't know what the fuck I'm doing with that idea until it happens though. It could be the worst thing ever. Guess we'll find out.
Remember when I made videos? I'm starting to forget whether or not I actually did that! After the Disney Walkouts, I will put out a bigass video I made about Turning Red. It's not something I usually do. It borders on podcast material. I just talk about my thoughts on Turning Red and it lasts like an hour. Which is probably way too long. Oh well! It should be out on March 23 and then you can decide whether or not you like it! I don't want to promise much of anything else because every time I have over the past three years, most or all of those videos never come out. So you're welcome for not announcing those <3!
I'm still working on Lexi Karma, my music. I hate mixing and gender dysphoria related to my voice has slowed these projects down to a crawl! But it's still better than it was like last Spring! Improvement!
Anyway, that's pretty much it. Time to continue depriving myself of sleep!
Thanks for listening-- well-- reading!
-Ayden
